Pausing -- turning a corner

Sorry for the gaps in the blog recently - things have been happening so slowly in my life that it wasn't worth repeating the same information daily. Even news in the world has been basically the same: getting more ridiculous by the day to where commentary by me would be re-iterating the obvious point(s).

But for those who may have worried, I am still here -- and here are two weeks' worth of updates (hopefully) crammed into one blog entry...

* Tuesday I am due in for an MRI on my troublesome back. Now the hip area bothers me; I cannot walk more than three blocks without dehabilitating pain, and forget the hour-long standup marathons... I spend most of my time off my feet now. Thursday I go in for what is called an EMG. I have never heard of such a procedure - and having lived with a mother who swore by Physician's Desk Reference for many years, the procedure is indeed a mystery to me.

* My cousin Mike has been more than generous with giving me rides to the various therapies and doctors I've needed to see. He has also finally found true love after 33 years, and I don't mind playing the part of the cheerleader on this one. A good relationship has to hit this generation sooner or later.

* Steve... I have no idea. Now he seems to have had a loss of memory. His overseas girl has upset him to the point that he couldn't remember her name, who he was, what his interests were, and so forth. I don't mean that officially in the past tense, as he has not truly lost who he is in a matter of 24 hours. But his behavior worries me, and frankly, I can't take much more of it. I've set a deadline of April 30th in fact to have him out of the house, and I may have a successor roommate ready to move in; one who finally cares about how a house looks & smells. I've carried that ball solo for four years and am tiring of it, back notwithstanding.

More to come...

Searching for a professional game

I have enjoyed bowling since I was three years old, throwing my first bowling ball at the old Sport Lanes in Wyandotte. I joke and say it's been 32 years of struggle since, but in the last three years I've developed a hook and much more accurate spare ball. Last time I checked, I was consistently hitting 180 per game.

With my bad back, however, comes extra boredom because it does no good to hurt the back worse by attempting to bowl. I thoroughly enjoy watching bowling on TV, but it's not on as often as, say, college basketball...?

So I have been on a hunt for a bowling video game. A REPUTABLE bowling game. I'm finding they hardly exist, new or used.

I wore out the one bowling game I had for the PlayStation, Ten Pin Alley. Maybe I shouldn't be surprised that the title isn't out there now, as it's ten years old. My copy was still working, but I traded it in for a 2005 baseball game, which itself got traded in barely a year later.

This would be a perfect way to curb my boredom, until I remind myself of that transaction. With new & used video stores not stocking bowling titles, and with a proposed release still six months away, I decided to search eBay today for some bargains.

Hah! I could get them - at the expense of professionalism! Call me fussy when I prefer professional conditions, but look at it this way: as many "cartoonish" golf games as there are, you've always got the Tiger Woods series which shows the sport in its natural, professional environment. It's always a hot renter & seller. Why can't they do the same for bowling?


I do not consider the game shown on the left as having any promise for professional-grade content. Yet, the bulk of the eBay listings show games just like this - and worse. Am I interested in bowling on the beach, or on a pirate ship, in a graveyard, or even in Egyptian tombs? Yes, on some of these games, you can.

I, on the other hand, enjoy the pure sport, not the knock-offs, which unfortunately must be produced in order to grab any up-and-coming fans. Why can't the game itself in its true form grab gamer's attentions? I worked at Woodhaven Lanes back in 2000, and the place was always packed with young kids and teens in-season.

The sport has got a future in real life. Why can't video game designers follow suit?

The Dawn of a nice night

I can't believe nearly a full week has passed without my acknowledgment to my friend Dawn for showing me a great time on Tuesday night, even though she says it didn't amount to much.

Well, in our pocketbooks, it certainly didn't show: a pool of family & friends spent $90 to try to share some of that record-setting $370 million Mega Millions lottery jackpot. Us Michiganders didn't even come close, but there was something more rewarding: quality time with a friend who I regret not spending more time with.

I'm close to the whole family next door; we're actually like extended family. There's nothing I wouldn't do for them. Dawn was the first one I met, and though she can have far-fetched ideas at times, she's always been there for me and I would hope I could be for her.

The Tuesday fun was simple: driving around, getting lost at least three times, and meeting other members of her family as we were collecting the proceeds for our stab at millionaires. Her Uncle Bob in particular was a joy to talk to: although I had to stand on my creaky back for nearly two hours with no available seat in the living room, he graced us both with stories about his life.

That night was simple, and simply wonderful. It got me out of the house and away from the routine with a girl I've always been fond of. Dawn, it means more to me than I let on that night. Money's nothing; company's everything.

Little things like that make me glad I'm in the neighborhood.

Punishing over minor things

When the Detroit Pistons traded for Rasheed Wallace three years ago, I questioned the move. Here was a man who made himself an outcast in his time for the Portland Trail Blazers. He was Mr. Technical Foul, and anything he did was counter-productive for the team.

I can't say he's done a complete reversal in his stint in Detroit, but he's worked hard to fit into the Piston mentality and has tried to be less of a distraction for his team.

The NBA refined their techincal foul penalty rule before last season, saying any foul over a season total of 15 warrants an automatic one-game suspension. Wallace hit that total last night and will likely be suspended for the Pistons' game on Sunday. But the technical he received in Denver the other night was due to him saying "ball don't lie"? Is there an obscenity in that statement that I'm not aware of? If I say that to someone, will I have a bar of soap headed for my mouth?

Absolutely not. That so-called technical was ridiculous. The NBA changed their rule specifically with Wallace in mind. Be aware: in the so-called "thuggish" life in the NBA, what he's done is tame compared to the past... and very tame compared to what "stars" like Kobe Bryant are doing.

Bryant received a one-game suspension for drilling a defender with an elbow while releasing a shot. He served the suspension, then came back tonight to score 30 points for the Lakers, while drilling Philadelphia defender Kyle Korver with another elbow in the process.

If this has always been a shooting flaw in Bryant's game, throwing elbows all over the place, then why did it start just this year? Why are the elbows obvious now? Aren't incidents like these the ones that justify the punishment? How can you punish someone for trash-talk and turn the head the other way for someone who deliberately tries to injure people or send a physical message?

I only recently started watching basketball on television again because of boredom around the house. I watch it grudgingly because I don't like the environment the NBA promotes: too much hip-hop in my opinion. Silly technical fouls and severe oversight of the obvious make my past unwillingness to watch basketball justified.

In attempting to "take over" the NBA mentality with dress code orders and such, Commissioner David Stern has let the mentality take over him even more. I get more pleasure watching a group of young kids in a recreation league do their best and show the best sportsmanship. On Tuesday's trip with Dawn, I saw one of these games, and I knew that the young kids have it right.

Life before agents, attitudes, and reputations beyond one's skills. That's how you play the game!

The family's still there

If I've given the impression that I've fallen off the face of the earth lately, it was not intentional by any means. That said, I'm glad I heard from my father and my aunt earlier today.

I want my father to know that conversations like ours tonight are great. There are concerns in life that are very apparent, but it's good to spend the course of a phone conversation without dwelling on the obvious problems. If you really enjoy doing something or going on a diversion, you do it because you want to get away from the "everyday" life for a short while.

We did this tonight, and I say thank you, many times over.

In the next entry, you will see the story of a supposed "best friend" relationship headed south. The moral there is (I guess) that friendship is fleeting. When all is in doubt, family won't leave you behind, because family understands you more than anything.

A gratifying thought in an otherwise ungratifying world.

You can label it "best friend"

... but it seems like a label is all it is. If there's any true meaning to the term, it's lost on me.

There is some worry brewing. Sheila has not been heard from on a consistent basis for three weeks.

Granted: My internet time is screwy right now, as Steve is holding literal overnight vigils on cam with his fiancee, as his perceived illness grows worse by the day. Even if he's sleeping, I'd rather not barge in and surf the internet for fear a program will cause his communication to crash, further worrying the fiancee.

This is proof that yes, I am not readily available for chats or email opportunities as I used to be. But still I keep the modes of communication available as long as I possibly can; even if it means having Steve monitor my messenger communications until his fiancee (her name is Eden) comes online.

And Sheila has not been heard from at all in nearly two weeks; no sign of even being online. I have left repeated messages on the computer for her during that time, have tried leaving messages on her cellphone and house phone as well. No response whatsoever.

You should see her crowning Christmas present to me: a beautiful desk plaque in silver & marble with an engraving naming me her "dearest and best friend". This was back when we were literally inseparable. Can there be any more distance than there is now?

A nice guy can only go so far before he begins to kick the proverbial horse when it's already down... meaning that constantly trying for communication will get me no further than I am now. I had always hoped for patience & understanding for Sheila, as I will never forget her kindness as she filled a void over Christmas, normally my worst time of the year.

But when do you draw the line, stop worrying, and thinking about a lost cause? Will I be shooting off messages to her a month from now with still no response, or will I just say the interest has gone, and move on?

I want to move on if there's no answer, but I don't want accusations of not giving it a "final shot". I'm sure I will in the next few days. Between three methods of modern communication, Sheila had to get the message somehow. If she chooses to ignore me, then by all means, I say she should do so.

But at least explain to me why. If she values honesty as she so openly professes, she should give - and I deserve - that much.

You can hang the "best friend" label on a hook for all I care now. That's all it is: a label.

In a group of friends, there's a few you know better than others. That's how I would classify my little group right now. The last thing they need is a label floating over their heads.

Playing armchair psychologist

For those who may not have guessed, I may as well admit: I have been on medication since 2005 in order to control symptoms related to (but not directly pointed to) psychotic natures. If anyone reading this blog thru the past year wondered about that mysterious 5-month gap in my work career in 2005 mentioned previously, it was due to a nervous breakdown suffered in March of that year, as pressures from work and personal natures finally got to me.

I am proud to say that through the techniques provided during my week-long hospital stay, I have turned out to be more slow-witted than before, and more willing to take constructive criticism and pressure than I was before. It has helped immeasurably in work & responsibility for me and has been noted by co-workers who formerly deemed me lazy.

Crazy nighttime dreams were noted way before this "crash", and are still being noted now. What was most noteworthy was last night: for the first time in eons, I didn't wake up due to a nightmare.

I am becoming aware of a shortcoming in the quality of psychology I have received of late. Doctors in that field seem to be taking on a materialisitc way of thinking, like so many people do in their jobs: they rush you through a session so they can meet the next person, thereby meeting their daily quota. Does no one think about truly caring for a person, or even faking their way through a session?

I blab on & on during the sessions, and I would hope for some "blabbing" on their part to give me a clue. That hardly happens now, and makes going to a session counter-productive.

I do not live life on the edge; there's no suspenseful drama in my life during waking hours -- insomuch as I don't intentionally try to make myself worse off. I have experienced the afflictions of psychotic-like dreams all of my life and have no idea why, or why they won't even reduce in number (let alone cease to exist). To use the term "surrealisitc" would in fact downplay the term: too many psychologists would probably prefer retirement over helping me with this concern.

I'm teased all the time by Steve, who says I spend 90% of my waking time in my room. Okay, I may not be willing to face life's struggles, but I'm not afraid of them, having spent years working through them. But how much of that 90% is actually spent in peaceful, productive slumber with no drama or horror? It almost seems like one has dropped acid and is on a powerful high with everything spinning, and events going out of control.

Is that any way to calm a mind which usually goes through enough pressure and stress in the real world?

Walter Reed needs own war chest

The Walter Reed Medical Center crisis: it cannot be underestimated, and it is disturbing to think about.

Many debate the merits of the overseas wars we are fighting. Regardless of how our troops landed in that mess, the fact is that we should be caring for the wounded. As we know through reading the papers, you don't hear about simple surface or shrapnel wounds. You either hear about the mounting death toll, or about those who can no longer live normal lives afterward because of irrepairable damages to body and psyche.

Walter Reed Hospital, at one time, was the nation's crown jewel in care for war veterans. Now some ugly details have seeped through the cracks, as they show just how borderline inhumane the patients' living conditions are.

As was the case with yesterday's blog about the Stephen Grant case in Michigan, this entry will not gauge my reactions directly to the upcoming congressional investigation. Yet, without having been a war veteran myself, I can see how conditions can deteriorate in hospitals, and I feel for the vets who have sacrificed themselves for this country, and are now being under-treated.

Neighboring Allen Park housed the area's vets at a then state-of-the-art hospital. However, when my father and I visited the complex in the early 1990s to see a friend of his (I cannot recall who; it was a buddy of his), I was astounded at what I saw. Just because the building itself may have been sixty-something, did it mean the infrastructure had to date from about that time?

Leaky radiators. Equipment not working. The equipment that was working looking like it was taken out of a bad 1960s horror flick. Unsanitary conditions. Lack of activities for the mobile, and an absence of staff appearing to take care of those with pressing needs. Especially for those who had no nearby relatives, or no family at all, what type of thanks was this for providing the country the ultimate sacrifice?

I basically kept my mouth shut during the visit, as my complaints would have been only one of many, and who would listen to an early-20s person with no military experience? Within the last ten years, they've moved the vets to a much more modern facility, where I'm sure diversions are more plentiful. But I wonder how deep-rooted their pain was at the conditions they witnessed and lived through.

It's like that at Walter Reed today. How can rooming quarters for some injured veterans be shared by rats & other creatures? How can basic infrastructure be left to rot, and still be open to patients? Whoever brought these conditions forward to the press ought to get their own medal for the admission; they've just opened Pandora's Box - but in a good way. These conditions need to be rectified immediately.

With all the near-$100 billion annual requests for additional war funds for the Middle East being approved at the drop of a hat, exactly where are these funds going? Walter Reed aside, how is our equipment holding up? Armored vehicles aren't armored enough. Helicopters break down. Ground weaponry -- don't even ask. Our fighting men & women have the skills, but do they have the resources? How can the war be effective if it's being fought with ineffective parts?

The committee investigating the Walter Reed finds is said to be bi-partisan, and that's the best news you can find, although being bi-partisan should be a given, not news. No matter where you stand, these conditions must be reversed.

The war itself needs the headlines, true. But those that have thought need more than just a fleeting concern from the budget-makers in government.

The patients just got done fighting an enemy and have paid the price. They don't need another battle on their hands over their care & living conditions. The obvious should be done, and should be done NOW.

Don't show him light of day

The big headline locally these days is the issue of Stephen Grant, accused of the murder and gross aftermath involving his wife, Tara.

I am not here to comment on this case, because it is so obviously disgusting. You can read the latest about the issue on the Free Press homepage (if the link outdates, I will fix it).

I think my opinion or commentary on the issue can best be summed up by a photo from the paper, versus anything my passive mind would add:

Amen, one thousand times over.

If fairly convicted, the man better not see the light of day outside of a prison cell.

Survey for the chronic worrier

It's likely that my next internet exploration will be to the world of surveys, to see if there's any survey gauging how much of a worry-wart a person can be.

I managed to get my worker's compensation check cashed, but only after I found out the bank wouldn't let me keep any cash, and to three other places that weren't sure if worker's comp. checks were cashable. The place I ended up going to told me to wait until 1:30, then 2:30, 3:00, 3:15... and were still unsure about things when I showed up at 3:20. The counter person gave me an evil stare at my request, then processed it grudgingly. Did I ever yearn for the safe deposit environment of a bank!

This was all to pay off one loan, while taking out another to get the rent money, which is already three days late. Rent time is always among the most stressful of times for Steve & I.

In the end, everything worked out for this month... but how much sweat was used, as well as rapid heartbeats? Many people say I worry too much. Sometimes I do question if all the worrying is valid. My main concern is to make sure I stay on top of things, trying not to miss a detail that may rock the budget boat the wrong way. This is why my mind is clouded with too much information at times, giving me my confused look.

Yes, more money would ease the worries. But is life really about money? I wish it wasn't, and I wish I'd be proven wrong.

If I find such a survey, I'll share the results with you whenever I do find it.

Tend to the downtrodden

This will be my last work/injury post for, hopefully, awhile.

That's because it is likely that I won't be reporting back to work for quite awhile, particularly after a shockingly thorough examination by the clinic technician last night. How that company ended up with her talents, nobody knows; but judging the clinic for what it is, they don't deserve her.

Regardless... to make a long story short, my recovered state at work lasted 28 1/2 hours before the back simply said "enough". It locked up on me and I was helpless, staring at a building mound of bags. I called the appropriate supervisor - my "buddy", the guy I can't stand.

The response? "I can't get to you at this time; I'll fit you in the best I can. Just take a seat,"... for the next two hours? What in the world could happen to my back in that time?

Now I respect authority to an exaggerated degree. I also respect the operation at an equal level. So I hated to jump over his head and call his supervisor - at home, no less. But the fears & helplessness going through me (I had no less than two arguments with a co-worker who thought - surprise! - that I was faking it) dictated I needed to take prompt action. I did so, and ended up having the girls upstairs take my medical information down.

But the surprises were saved for later: in addition to the back woes, the doctor noted my weakening left knee (work-related), and a possible hernia (work-related). If I do go under the knife, it will be for multiple ailments; well above what I budgeted for.

When I turned the paperwork in, the dumb boss had enough and had already left. The girls took my paperwork and said I had guts for even trying to make it in. What followed was a bad-mouthing session of their own, which made me feel I wasn't the only one rowing the boat.

Now I'll be out for quite some time, I would think. It's almost 6:00 as I write this, and the worst of the evening rush begins at this time. I'm just laughing to myself: I wonder how they're doing, and at the same time... I could care less.

But put yourself in a position of authority, and ask yourself: would you let an injured worker wave on the vine for two hours, virtually ignoring the need for that employee's well-being and prompt medical care? Perhaps this may be the beginning of the end for him, which so many people out there are hoping for.

Batting a blind eye

It's safe to say I'm not as confused by MySpace anymore. If you remember reading a few weeks back when I originally started my page, it took a double-team of tutorials for me to understand the simplest terms. Now with practice, of course, the process is pretty easy.

Unfortunately, the process is too easy for people of questionable intents to start pages on the site. The group moderator (who also happens to be the founder) insists he is there to help, and will quickly monitor those borderline pages, doing what he can to make sure the process is safe.

Steve & I noted one of these questionable pages yesterday with a blatantly offensive photo adorning the cover page. The profile was very suggestive in nature. It was pages like this that have thrown MySpace into the news at times. Citing its inappropriateness, we sent a message to the moderator in hopes this page would be removed.

Now, if he's available to everyone, obviously he may not get right to our message, since he has many other requests to process.

But this is what I don't understand. We were a bit long-winded in our original request, and the prompt came back from him: "Whooo!" Okay, we thought that was an honest reply; we used too many words. So we made a much shorter paragraph, asking him to take a look at the questionable page.

Immediately again: "Whooo!"

Is this the type of quality communication that we are promised, time & again, throughout the site? Some sort of staged comment which would pop up no matter what you typed?

This happened yesterday morning. If there's no response by Sunday, and we retype to get the same "Whooo!" response, well... we won't count on that bad page being removed. It just left a bad impression on us -- this is the extent of the technical support? I would hope not.

Canton Township authorities recently apprehended a juvenille escapee who had left taunting messages on his MySpace page, which authorities cite as key to his whereabouts and capture.

I say "Whooo!" simply because society has re-captured & locked up another convicted felon, making us safer. I only wonder what the moderator would say, at the risk of cuing up another staged statement to cover his investment.

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The OJI bug hit Mike yesterday, as his shoulder went out on him at the airport lifting a golf bag, and he's already saying that the clinic people don't know what they're doing. I've been saying that since I got injured in January. I go back in today after three days off, and Mike told me not to play games, and go to that clinic the minute the back goes out on me again (which I know it will).

Gee... part of me wants to, and yet...

Passe: Quality education

When does the vicious circle stop? People have often said "life goes around in circles... when things get so wrong, they start getting right again."

Automatically? It might be too late for the type of formal education I received growing up.

In the era of political correctness, which tries to excise any mention of religion from the conversation lest a war of words & actions flares up, I will abide by the times by only mentioning I went through private (pre-charter school era) schools from first through twelfth grade. Take away the peer teasing (my early Achilles heel) and I reflect on those times as some of the most rewarding of my life.

The Detroit Archdiocese, battling budget problems for years, plans to close fifteen more private schools by the end of this term, including one in Riverview and one in Wyandotte, precariously close to my hometown. I know them well, and it upset me when I found they were among the targets. Chances to save these schools are deep: one school has raised $25,000 of the approximate $110,000 needed just to keep the school open for 2007-2008.

The $110,000 deadline: Monday. Bless all those who contributed, but that mountain looks impossibly steep to climb, especially when you consider how poor off most Michigan workers are.

And so here we go with the vicious circle previously mentioned: Workers are already poor in the pockets. Next, the knowledge quality goes down significantly, continuing a trend. You can imagine what this will do to the skill level & confidence of the future workers of the world. What if they're ill-prepared to work the jobs waiting for them?

I remember slacking off, both in grades & personal conduct, in junior high school. Tuition, while tame then compared to now, still comprised a hefty chunk of the household budget. Be it due to that fact, or just for an intimidation factor, my mother used to threaten to pull me out of the private school and put me in the public school system.

It worked as an intimidation factor for me, as I would hustle and reverse my skidding grades by the end of the term. I had heard so many negative stories about how the public schools didn't care; that they turned a blind eye to fistfights, and casual tobacco & drug use. Is this really the environment I was ready for?

Absolutely not! There was a certain comfort level in attending the school I went to. The teachers cared. There were parent-teacher-student-principal bonds built on a natural scale that I know public schools could not duplicate. You were treated to a full education and a full life experience going there. You lacked confidence, they built it up. If caught doing wrong, you were told the moral implications of the deed as well as paying the penalty with detention. The staff really wanted to see the entire person move ahead, not just the scholastic individual.

The public schools were only interested in graduating out one group of people in order to bring another one in. Failures in life were not their fault - the kids were seen as numbers, not individuals. This would grow into a lot of the ineptitude that we see at places like McDonalds these days.

I worked my butt off at reversing myself because, yes, I was in a comfort zone. But it was for my own good to stay there, in spite of the rising costs. I like the kind of person that I am, and I don't think the public school system would have done the job.

But it's coming at a cost of lower enrollment and skyrocketing tuition rates in 2007 that may never be reversed. And the capacity for greater learning could downturn right along with it.

Makes me wish there really was a money-tree species growing amongst us.